The Highland Heist

A Cow Conspiracy

By Abigail Strauss

“Eight weeks to retirement. Eight weeks to retirement.”
Mumbling under his breath, Phil walked down to the vaults. Another customer had come in demanding to speak to the manager. The Allied Trust Bank was in a rundown, dreary town in the middle of the Highlands, yet there was always a line of rude patrons with problems and complaints.

Alistair Thomson was the manager—but also the very busy town mayor. This led to Phil having to take care of bank responsibilities ninety-nine percent of the time.

While walking down the stairs, he heard a loud crash.
“Rory!” he yelled. “What did you break this time? You’d better not have knocked over the—”
He stopped suddenly.

Right before his eyes was an empty vault with its door knocked off and a trail of cash leading down the hallway. The trail led right to the feet of a furry Highland cow.

The police arrived within five minutes. While his coworkers were collecting evidence, the head officer—a large, burly man named Angus—walked up to Phil.

“So. From what I’ve heard, you came down after a loud crash and found a cow stealing the money.”

Phil nodded. “Yes. I had come down to find the manager and heard the noise. I thought it was the intern, but it was actually the vault being broken into.”

“By a cow,” Angus said incredulously.

“Ye—” Phil stopped, realizing the absurdity of what he was saying.

“I thought so. Follow me.”

Phil was led into a police cruiser and brought to the station. The car ride was tense. Phil kept trying to break the silence with small talk, but Angus just ignored him. Once at the station, Angus took him to a small room with a mirror on the wall and a single chair.

Phil sat down nervously. “Am I in trouble?” he asked. “I didn’t take the money. Honest! I’ve never broken a rule in my life—except for the time I stole a lollipop. Is that why you brought me in? I don’t want to get arrested! It wasn’t even cherry—”

“Stop.”

Phil froze.

A Highland cow had just entered the room. It was wearing a backwards baseball cap, an AC/DC T-shirt, jeans that were far too small, and sneakers that were on the wrong feet. It was also walking on its hind legs. And talking.

“You know too much,” it said.

Angus turned to the cow. “We need to be more careful. They can’t know about it until the plan is at stage five.”

Phil’s eyes became the size of saucers. He started hitting his face. “Just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream. Wake up. Wake up! WAKE UP!”

The cow turned to Phil. “You are one of the lucky ones in the know. You Scottish have had it coming for years. Do you know how hard it is to brush this hair? All of your conditioner, and you never thought to share. Well, it’s our turn to rule.”

Phil looked to Angus, then jerked back, aghast. Angus ripped off his head, and sticking out of his neck was the face of a Highland cow. The human suit fell to the floor, and another cow stepped out.

“With the money stolen from your bank, we shall buy every conditioner company there is and keep it to ourselves. You shall have to deal with frizzy, tangled hair, while our silken coats will shine!”

The two cows started laughing maniacally.

“You’ll never get away with this!” Phil cried.

“We will—as long as people like you stay silent. Now… about that. How would you like to make a little deal?”

“You stay silent about this, and you get a nice retirement home wherever you’d like.”

Phil nodded, pretending to consider the options. “And what if I told someone?”

“You become my new pet human,” said the cow in the shirt.

Suddenly, three huge, booming knocks rattled the door. Angus got back into his costume, and the other cow opened a ceiling tile and climbed up. The door burst open, and what came through surprised Phil so much that he fell over.

Three sheep in CIA outfits came running through. One was really skinny, one plump, and one had a mustache.

The mustachioed one cried out in shock when he saw Phil but quickly composed himself.

“Hands in the air, cows,” said the skinny one.

“We don’t want any trouble, but we’re not afraid to make some,” said the plump one.

“We’ve uncovered your tricks, and you won’t get away this time. We have the building surrounded,” said the one with the mustache.

“Never!” cried the cow in the ceiling, jumping down to race out the door.

Unfortunately for Phil, it landed on top of him. The sheep then piled onto the cow, making it very uncomfortable for Phil. They handcuffed the clothed cow, then turned to Angus. Angus begrudgingly let them cuff him, and the sheep led the cows out of the room.

Phil followed them out, dazed and bewildered—only to be confronted by a swinging clock in his face. It was held by the skinny sheep, who chanted strange words until everything slowly turned black.

When Phil woke up, he was in his bed.
“‘What a weird dream,’” he thought to himself.

He stumbled to the kitchen, groggily poured himself a cup of coffee, and slumped into his armchair. He looked out the window—and then cried out, spilling his coffee everywhere.

In a grassy field in the distance stood a Highland cow. It was on its hind legs, with arms crossed, and staring right at him. Next to it was a sign that read:
“You know, I’ve always wanted a pet.”

Personal Note:

I really enjoyed writing this blog post because it’s a really fun plot, and I got to put a ton of jokes in. I wrote this in a really dramatic and humorous way, and I think it turned out great. Although we haven’t seen a highland cow just yet, we just arrived in the highlands and we’re keeping our eyes peeled. We are starting to reach the end of our trip, which is a bummer, but I’m really glad we’ll be able to look back at our old posts and remember our adventures.